Sirens and Scales

Sirens and Scales
All Mermaids and Dragons Limited Edition Boxed Set

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Bend over Madam and take delivery of a steaming hot Blog!

Until I have some real news to share, I'll just re-post this. I want to post something fun and incredibly stupid. It was my intention to offer you the most pointless romance blog I’ve ever written. 

(I’m so bored with myself I could cry!)

I deliberately wrote the worst, most offensive romance dialog and scenario I could think of at this moment. Poor grammar, offensive attitudes, typos and thoughtless dialog were done willfully.
This is NOT an excerpt! lol

Exhibit A:  A Bluff Pirate’s Tale, Semen at Sea.

“Ha, ha, ha I don’t give a heck if yer ah virgin lassie, I’m going to peek in your porthole and force you to ride mi bucking lower deck whether ya like it or not!” Captain Muskysac the much dreaded handsome bastard pirate of the inky blue undulating ocean, lorded menacingly over his newest captive, conveniently kidnapped on the eve of her wedding, the wistful jewel of his heart since childhood, the beautifully, delicately innocent Miss Ashley Roseheather.

Captain Muskysac insolently puffed his broad chest forward thrusting his man-nipples three feet apart, kicked his boots astride and stood thusly with his fist firmly planted on his insinuating lean hips and barked. “On your knees lass I’m going to spoil you!”

“There’s been a slightly awkward miscommunication.” Ashley glanced upward and mumbled softly through rubied rosebud lips. “I’m not a virgin…”

Captain Muskysac frowned. His posture wilted. “What do mean yer not a virgin? I had a whole deflowerment routine of horribly protracted degradation painstakingly planned for you. I was going to win your heart by conquering your frail womanly form, and easily shocked sensibilities. I went to a great deal of effort. Manacles were polished, Neverwash Walter is eagerly waiting in the next cabin to shout rude, inappropriate comments and leer over the entire sordid event. I’ll be honest with you, this is quite a bitter little let down.”

“I’m so sorry, I’m not a virgin but there nothing to be done about it now. What about a sassy whiskey-voiced, salty-tongued, been abandoned by love but has a heart of gold, hip-swishing sea wench? Could you use one of those? I adore life-jarring forced seductions and humiliating degradation on the high seas.” Ashley’s limpid baby blue eyes bulgingly pleaded. “It’s not too late to have a good time, is it? I’ll just behave flustered and witless and we’ll put the whole embarrassing misunderstanding behind us. You’ll never notice I’m not a virgin. What do say my spicy pepperoni—is the party on?”

Captain Muskysac stared dejectedly at the toes of his tall boots. “I don’t know—It's not quite the same. I take pride in my arrogantly aberrant behavior. Menacing maidens is an art form. I’m not really prepared for an experienced woman. I don’t want to just walk through the act half-heartedly.”

“Oh what the hell, I’m starting without you.” Ashley shouted. “Nay, nay dark ruthless master don’t burst my preciously treasured carefully guarded and saved for sacred marriage maidenhead and ruin my chances for a peaceful, productive life and soak my virgin tight-as-a-kidskin-glove, pouting rosebud, woman’s secret cottage in the glen, quimmy with your steamy hot juices! Spare me lava hot love god. I beg of you!”

Captain Muskysac’s expression was appalled. “You do realize Neverwash and others can hear you in the next cabin?” He whispered a tense warning.

“I don’t care! Lash me to yer throbbing purple yardarm, Hop’n jack me, Whip the pony, butter the biscuits, take me if you must, grease me with deck-wax pin me flat and ravish me on your thick commanding masthead. Your mysteriously threatening knobby turgidness compels me to surrender!”

“My turgidness?”

“Yes, your stony rock hard as iron straight as a plank of wood, turgidness. Shove it in me, lord of my mattress! For you, my dewy quim is like a fragrant rose shyly opening it’s delicate silky pink petals to the first fair day of spring sunshine that we call love. My naughty lady slipper pouts, longs, desires, drools and oozes with love nectar waiting for you to take me again and again and again and again…

“All right already!” He announced as he tore at his laces and evacuated his threateningly turgid, inhumanly proportioned, mapped with veins, sweaty, salty manhood from his skintight period-correct breeches and let it thrust in all its twitching glory toward her startled face. “I’m going to slip you the sausage and mash the potatoes. Then I’m going to spill man-gravy all over your plate, and let it all soak in the sink until morning. I doubt you’ll walk upright for a week!”

“Nay, if I ever walk again!” She screamed ridiculously and ducked under the bedcovers. “You’re so massively, hugely big! The sheer girthy width of your tremendously engorged spit–red-hot-rivets-wang-hammer is enough to kill a girl. The impressive volume of your man-tool leaves me humbled, awed yet strangely drawn to the danger-tinged mystery of its wrinkled foreskin. Your balls are big too.” She sighed sweetly.

“So is your plump round bottom madam! I think I’ll take a brisk palm to task against those firm, proud peaches and paddle a happy tune on your pink drum skins before I lave my tongue between your warm, wet woman folds and send my manly fire truck to hose down the flames.”

He did and they lived happily ever after. The End. 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Salt Lake City Examiner Gave "Nice Package" 5 Stars!

Good morning!  I'd like to introduce a wonderful erotic romance author, Katalina Leon, whose hot, sensual books are growing in popularity with women of all ages (over 18 of course!).  Katalina writes primarily for Ellora's Cave Publications, and has half a dozen digital, and one print book in publication.
Kat's books are deliciously sensual, and her voice is wonderful, leading the reader into a labyrinth of emotions and feelings with every page she (or he) turns. Why did I say "she"? Simply because the vast majority of erotic romance is read by women. Erotic romance is a way to get away from it all, enjoy your feminine cravings, and make your signigicant other happy as heck that you chose them to experiment on.
Of course, I know a few men who devour erotic romances. They say unashamedly that it teaches them how to make love to the woman in their life, and they claim that the rewards are astonishing. LOL!
Katalina's books show a true depth of warm love between the hero and heroine (seasoned well with the wine of sensuality, of course). You see, there is a vast difference between erotic romance and porn. In erotic romance, there must be a Happy Ever After love story. There must be a connection between the characters that is much more than slam-bam-thank-you-maam sex.
So let me introduce you to Kat's latest book, titled Nice Package.
Nice Package was a surprise package for this reader! Well written and engaging from opening words to final page, I had great difficulty putting it down.  Ms. Leon has a writing style that captivates and keeps a body reading. Never a dull moment.
This sweet little package is about a man and wife who enjoy a bit of BDSM in their loveplay, and boy, did it ever deliver! Don't know what BDSM stands for? Well, let's just say that a bit of Bondage, Dominance and Submission make marriage hotter and more enjoyable for this truly loving couple.
As a woman who likes to be assertive and in control, I find most BDSM books a bit irritating, but Ms. Leon makes the reader understand that between people in love, this can really spice up your love life. It is a way of making love that requires total trust and total commitment, and I came away feeling titillated.
If you are a romance lover, and like to have your romance hot and sexy, definitely DO pick this one up.
Fran Lee.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Up All Night E-Books!

Saturday February 19th, "Nice Package" and I are being featured at "Up All Night" E-Books. Please drop by.